I used to think friendship needed to look a certain way. I imagined spontaneous hang outs, intimate heart-felt chats over coffee, dinner dates as couples, sharing the same stage of life and having that I feel like I’ve known you forever energy.
Good friends were people who would stay close no matter what, and I believed I had to be that kind of friend, too. I fought for a lot of friendships that were naturally hitting an expiration date God had for them because of those beliefs.
Until I had a baby. Baby’s are a big life change. First babies especially because hello motherhood and here’s to doing a thousand things I said I would never do. (Insert eye-roll here.)
I prayed for my baby to be sleepy. I know people who pray for their baby’s to be cute or to have a certain hair or eye color. That wasn’t my thing, I wanted a baby who would sleep. And the Lord answered! My husband and I did the Taking Cara Babies course while I was still pregnant so from day one we were ready.
What Two Hour Wake Windows Taught Me
What I didn’t know about myself in pregnancy but would soon discover is how much I cherished nap times at home. I also didn’t know I would choose to exclusively breastfeed. My world was suddenly measured in two-hour windows. My days felt like puzzles—nap times, feeding sessions, diaper changes, and oh can I grab a coffee somewhere in there too?
My wardrobe was a combination of cozy nursing friendly options and even when I found a window of time where I could get out for a while, I often wanted to stay close to home to have some much needed “me time” and recharge or avoid the mental energy of loading up the car with all the things and risking messing up naps on the go.
Lots of my mom friends are more flexible with nap schedules than I am and I’ve come to realize in motherhood, I’m just not that girl.
Now that I’m out of the season of two hour wake windows, I’ve realized that season made me get honest about a friendship value I had deep down, but didn’t really name or admit until I had a baby: proximity matters to me.
Not because I’m lazy or don’t care. But because the way I can show up for my friends is different when they’re close.
I first heard Mel Robbins share this on a friendship podcast (sent to me by a friend!) where she talked about her friendship pillars. One she dared to name was proximity. As she said it I thought, wait we are allowed to say this? I felt so seen.
When we first moved to the Nashville area, I complained a lot about driving. I kept commitments that were far from home for our first few years because I wasn’t sure where we would land. Once we bought our home, I tried to hang onto friendships where we matched energy and values even though I felt like it was inconvenient to find times in our calendars where we could squeeze in time together and the driving time.
After having a baby, I tried to force some friendships that just weren’t working anymore. I tried to keep far away commitments even though I was nervous about the impact on my family’s routines. When I stopped doing that, I found freedom.
When my son became mobile (now he’s high energy all the time) I couldn’t go to coffee shops or friends’ houses without him being somewhat destructive or in some kind of danger due to the lack of child-proofing. It left me distracted and on empty physically and mentally.
The Prayer I wasn’t sure I should Pray
I started to voice my needs to the Lord—I needed friends who didn’t care if I canceled last minute because nap time went rogue. I wanted friends who could sit on my couch in PJs while babies crawled around the living room.
I got super specific and asked God for two friends who were moms who lived in my neighborhood. And honestly, I wasn’t sure He would come through because our neighborhood is an eclectic mix but it’s not a young families exclusively kind of place where you see a stroller on every corner. But He came through—again.
My prayer felt a little too practical, and maybe even shallow, but I think God delights in answering us in our everyday longings. Soon I had neighborhood mom friends who could have coffee while littles played and meet-up last minute for a walk or backyard hang. I’ve also found friends who workout at the same times as me and friends who can spontaneously meet at the park because they’re close by.
It’s taken me time to let go of the guilt I feel around this. But I’m learning that presence matters to me and presence is the most natural when a friendship fits within the real, ordinary rhythms of my life. And right now, that means proximity matters.
The “we’ll be at the splash pad if you’re down” and “I’m dropping off something on your front porch” texts meet a friendship need for me that I didn’t realize I was allowed to have. They remind me I’m not doing this alone.
And maybe it’s time we all stop apologizing for needing friendships that don’t feel like another thing to manage but can flow with ease as part of the life God has already placed us in.
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