My hair was curled, I was actually wearing makeup, and my outfit wasn’t just thrown together last minute based on what was clean or dirty. I was going out with a group of mom friends and I was so excited for a night without the baby monitor in my hand. I gave my baby one last squeeze and was off for a girl’s night out.
While I sat and listened to the typical mom chatter exchange of funny stories I felt increasingly lonely. From the outside looking in, I was laughing along with the jokes and enjoying our meal but inside I felt disconnected and disappointed.
When I got home my husband was excited to hear how it went. We sat down in the kitchen while the night got later and later and I processed a new lesson in motherhood and friendship: even if your friends are also moms, you can still feel lonely.
I realized I felt disconnected for a lot of reasons. We were all moms and even moms at really similar stages. But many of us mothered pretty differently. Some babies were in full time daycare. Some were spending their days with caring nearby grandparents. The stay-at-home moms of the group were either baking sourdough during nap time or deep cleaning with products they’d thoughtfully researched the ingredients of.
None of these moms were doing anything wrong—I just didn’t feel like my version of motherhood was reflected back to me in them.
As I listened to all the moms share about their experiences I felt like I didn’t fit anywhere. I’m not really a working mom. But I’m not really a stay-at-home mom either. I don’t feel like the labels for small talk and categories fit my life.
Most of the moms had other help like a mother-in-law taking kids for a few days a week or their husband worked from home and watched the baby monitor while they ran an errand or squeezed in a workout.
That’s just not our story.
My husband’s job is more demanding. We are confident this is what God has for our family in this season but that doesn’t make it any less hard. Without family nearby to lean on, I have truly had to figure it out on my own. So, this night that was meant to be a night for connection with other moms left me feeling more lonely than when I arrived.
At home, I tried to think of people who I knew who were like me. I only knew of two other moms who lived somewhere without any family and whose husband’s worked full-time outside of the home in another setting. Those moms still weren’t the exact same as my situation though because they weren’t trying to do anything except keep up with household tasks and mother. (Which is obviously more than enough to do on its own.)
But I felt the weight of everything I was trying to balance on my own even more. My husband (a numbers guy) tried to quantify it for me and determined I work about 20 hours a week while also being the primary source of care for our little guy around the clock.
I know I have more books in me. I know I have more creative work in me. I have to keep pursuing this longing to write—it doesn’t feel like the Holy Spirit is asking me to put it down and take a break. Instead, he continues to give me the strength and resources to keep going.
A full-time working mom told me she envied me. She would do anything to stay home. I told her the grass is always greener on the other side. In that season, I was constantly fantasizing about other women’s lives. I found myself thinking and feeling like everyone else had it better than me.
As I confided in a few close friends about my feelings as I adjusted to integrating my role as a mother into all other areas of my life, I started to feel less alone. I realized none of us really felt like one label or category put us in a certain group that made us feel known and seen. We all longed to be validated for our choices—as moms, as people.
I was looking around hoping to find someone who looked like and mothered and worked and did marriage the exact same way as me because I wanted that to verify that I am good at this.
Instead, I realized I was the only one for a reason.
“God has different assignments for all of us.” One of my close friends told me, as she balanced more than I could ever imagine taking on. “I tell myself that on the hard days and then I embrace what I have to do today knowing God will provide for me what I need because He’s the one who put me here.”
She exuded confidence and clarity on her season of life. A year ago, I could have never imagined I would feel the same. But truthfully, I can tell you now, that I do.
I love where God has assigned me in this season. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy—I just find confidence in knowing that I know the one who put me here.
One of my favorite verses echoes through my mind: “Where you are right now is God's place for you.” 1 Corinthians 7:17
Fast forward to another day spent with other moms. This time, I was with a different group of mom friends. Our toddlers ran around wrecking havoc—mine seemed to be the most active and explorative of the bunch. As we all shifted positions from standing and chatting to squatting and pulling dirt and sticks out of tiny mouths and hands we talked about where God had placed each of us. Instead of feeling so lonely, I felt seen.
We were all able to see the good and the hard in each other’s positions. And even though no one was doing it exactly the same—we all affirmed that we were each doing it right. Because we aren’t following a formula or checklist, we are following a relational God. And where I am right now, is God’s place for me.
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