I do wish that my childless friends would see their POTENTIAL!!!!
We mothers would LOVE breaks, and conversation while someone played with baby, or had coffee with us in our chaotic house, etc.
I have long said - we need both mothers and aunts. And aunt can be blood or chosen. Aunt means "mother-like". But sadly, we don't have that culture passed down to us, nor are we invited in to hold responsibility. I remember, as a single woman, having an older friend who was a new mom - she invited me over and shared with me... but as hard as I tried, I knew I couldn't grasp her depth of experience. I wanted to, but couldn't. So I hold the same forgiveness for my single self as I do my current childless friends; but now with more clarity to be able to share what is helpful and what is not.
I’m really sorry you had to walk through this.. It so beautiful that you were able to find other people that were more willing to walk with you in your current season of life but I understand how hard it must have been to let go of that friendship you spoke about.
I went through something similar when I found out I was pregnant about a week before my MIL passed while we were caring for her in her last few days. The amount of pain, disappointment and frustration I felt with friends who I thought would show up but didn’t during and after that time (even after I gave birth too) really weighed on me. But the Lord was so gracious during that intense time and after to not leave me where I was and blessed me with a lot of perspective and peace to help me turn things around. I’m happy that happened for you too so that you were able to let go of that friendship and embrace the ones you needed.
Gosh I’m so sorry. What difficult timing with your mother in laws passing. I’m so sorry for your loss! Although my situation was different I definitely relate to your experience too. It’s so true that the Lord is faithful to take the lonely and place us in families. 🫶🏼
You described the exact loneliness I’ve felt since our baby was born and we spent time in the NICU. I’ve also felt so much shame and asked myself the same questions…Is something wrong with me? Am I self absorbed? Am I too absorbed with my baby? Am I completely different? Will I ever have close friends again?
My “friend” left when I was in deep depression of having to care for my mom and her moving into my home. Thank you for this it puts words to the sadness I feel about loosing a friend. Disorienting and Painful
Molly, this was so beautiful and healing to read! I may need to print it out and underline certain passages. Thank you for sharing and creating authentic community around tender topics :)
I'm feeling this so much right now. Fostering is another kind of hard because, on one hand, the babies aren't yours and so you (and most other people) think your life shouldn't change so much. And yet, the reality is you suddenly have other little people completely dependent on you 24/7 and there's no way that can't overturn your life.
It absolutely overturns your life & rhythms! Recent studies have been showing adoptive moms experience a form of PPD (although they aren’t postpartum) there’s still such a big shift that the depression that can follow is very real.
Honestly I feel like it would be helpful if we could start looking at motherhood as the death of the girl you were and your rebirth as a mother. It’s like you’re a new person in a lot of ways, and that’s okay - but it also means some things have to change!
Thank you for sharing this sweet perspective ♥️ That it doesn’t mean we are the problem, or they are the problem, but rather different friendships come in different seasons. What a beautiful gift to keep growing and changing and always finding new people along the way, while still loving those from previous paths taken.
I feel this deeply🤍 I was not prepared for how much my friendships would change and I would change who I wanted to be around. I try not to diminish friends who don’t have kids as “they don’t get it” but there is a very real element there.
This is something I've really been wrestling with and trying to figure out with my husband. This article made me feel SO seen. While I don't have it figured out yet, this gave me so much comfort and reminded me nothing is wrong with me, motherhood just drastically changed everything about me. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I lost my whole identity when I experienced a Post Partum Psychosis.
My friends were kind, but I was shattered and highly medicated. I also quickly gained fifty pounds and was so different from who I had been that it was difficult to connect on any level with pre baby friends.
I learned as a young mom that as long as I had one friend, I could survive each additional new baby without going mad.
My all time best friend showed up in my life after a lonely prayer pleading with the Lord to send me a friend.
For seven years Susan and I watched each others backs as we navigated newborns, husbands, mothering, and life.
She gave birth to seven children and we had five. I am not sure I would have survived emotionally without her love and support. Because we were in the same place with caring for crazy toddlers while breastfeeding new babes, so many issues did not need to be explained because we just knew.
After 25 years I rekindled a friendship with a woman who I had performed Summer Stock Theatre with.
Almost the first thing she asked me about was my breakdown. She had heard that I was picked up by the police after stripping down to my underwear in the city center of the little Ohio town where we lived.
I confirmed that happened and she incredulously said, “That was TRUE?”
This exchange is indicative of how it has gone. Friends heard rumors and I knew there was a ton of gossip and conversation about me, but few bothered to pick up the phone and ask me directly what was going on.
This only increased feelings of isolation and paranoia.
Truly the best friend of my life is Jesus Christ, who has been the rock I rebuilt my identity and life on.
My most important friend has been my husband Paul. Nobody would have blamed him if he had abandoned me, taken our baby, and run home to Utah to raise her around his family.
I shudder to think what my life would’ve been these past thirty five years if he had left.
Important topic, explored well. I lost a friend after giving birth to my first child, and it was so painful. We both underestimated how completely having a baby would change my life—not to mention my sense of self—and the logistics of hanging out were incredibly challenging. It’s really hard to understand the demands of motherhood if you haven’t been through it, which sounds patronizing but is just true.
Thanks for this, and I hope you find new friendships to fill those gaps!
Well said, Mara! I’m sorry about your friend. I absolutely agree. It does sound patronizing which is why I think there’s an added layer of complexity. I don’t want to be one of those women walking around saying “you just don’t understand!” but at the same time…it is somewhat true. 👀 It’s uncomfortable trying to make a friendship work when we’ve changed and it doesn’t work anymore. So I think it’s worth risking the discomfort of making new friends so we can feel known.
This is so good and something I wish I had understood earlier in my motherhood. Losing friends at the most life-altering time in your life can be so disorienting and painful. I love that you’re speaking out about your experiences, I know it will help so many 🩷
Thank you so much Kristen! It’s so true. Our friendships naturally change when we change. Especially those internal value shifts. But it can feel very confusing and unnatural when it happens.
This is such an important topic and you explain it so well! Thank you for sharing 💗
Thank you for reading Amy 🤍🫶🏼 I’m excited to share more on this topic in the future—it’s so needed!!
I do wish that my childless friends would see their POTENTIAL!!!!
We mothers would LOVE breaks, and conversation while someone played with baby, or had coffee with us in our chaotic house, etc.
I have long said - we need both mothers and aunts. And aunt can be blood or chosen. Aunt means "mother-like". But sadly, we don't have that culture passed down to us, nor are we invited in to hold responsibility. I remember, as a single woman, having an older friend who was a new mom - she invited me over and shared with me... but as hard as I tried, I knew I couldn't grasp her depth of experience. I wanted to, but couldn't. So I hold the same forgiveness for my single self as I do my current childless friends; but now with more clarity to be able to share what is helpful and what is not.
I’m really sorry you had to walk through this.. It so beautiful that you were able to find other people that were more willing to walk with you in your current season of life but I understand how hard it must have been to let go of that friendship you spoke about.
I went through something similar when I found out I was pregnant about a week before my MIL passed while we were caring for her in her last few days. The amount of pain, disappointment and frustration I felt with friends who I thought would show up but didn’t during and after that time (even after I gave birth too) really weighed on me. But the Lord was so gracious during that intense time and after to not leave me where I was and blessed me with a lot of perspective and peace to help me turn things around. I’m happy that happened for you too so that you were able to let go of that friendship and embrace the ones you needed.
Gosh I’m so sorry. What difficult timing with your mother in laws passing. I’m so sorry for your loss! Although my situation was different I definitely relate to your experience too. It’s so true that the Lord is faithful to take the lonely and place us in families. 🫶🏼
Thank you, you’re so kind🤍 and that’s so true! A very beautiful perspective.
Also I hope you and your family have a great Christmas!😊
You described the exact loneliness I’ve felt since our baby was born and we spent time in the NICU. I’ve also felt so much shame and asked myself the same questions…Is something wrong with me? Am I self absorbed? Am I too absorbed with my baby? Am I completely different? Will I ever have close friends again?
This was enlightening. Thank you.
My “friend” left when I was in deep depression of having to care for my mom and her moving into my home. Thank you for this it puts words to the sadness I feel about loosing a friend. Disorienting and Painful
Molly, this was so beautiful and healing to read! I may need to print it out and underline certain passages. Thank you for sharing and creating authentic community around tender topics :)
Alli! Thank you so much for reading. This thoughtful comment made my day. 🫶🏼
I'm feeling this so much right now. Fostering is another kind of hard because, on one hand, the babies aren't yours and so you (and most other people) think your life shouldn't change so much. And yet, the reality is you suddenly have other little people completely dependent on you 24/7 and there's no way that can't overturn your life.
It absolutely overturns your life & rhythms! Recent studies have been showing adoptive moms experience a form of PPD (although they aren’t postpartum) there’s still such a big shift that the depression that can follow is very real.
Honestly I feel like it would be helpful if we could start looking at motherhood as the death of the girl you were and your rebirth as a mother. It’s like you’re a new person in a lot of ways, and that’s okay - but it also means some things have to change!
Very much agree!!!!
The rebirth part 😭🥰 that is so real!!
Thank you for sharing this sweet perspective ♥️ That it doesn’t mean we are the problem, or they are the problem, but rather different friendships come in different seasons. What a beautiful gift to keep growing and changing and always finding new people along the way, while still loving those from previous paths taken.
I feel this deeply🤍 I was not prepared for how much my friendships would change and I would change who I wanted to be around. I try not to diminish friends who don’t have kids as “they don’t get it” but there is a very real element there.
I feel the same way. It’s something I wish wasn’t true in some ways but I also need to acknowledge the truth in it.
This is something I've really been wrestling with and trying to figure out with my husband. This article made me feel SO seen. While I don't have it figured out yet, this gave me so much comfort and reminded me nothing is wrong with me, motherhood just drastically changed everything about me. Thank you for sharing ❤️
I’m right there with you Hailey. I definitely don’t have it figured out yet…but I know we aren’t alone in it! 🫶🏼
❤️🫶🏼
I lost my whole identity when I experienced a Post Partum Psychosis.
My friends were kind, but I was shattered and highly medicated. I also quickly gained fifty pounds and was so different from who I had been that it was difficult to connect on any level with pre baby friends.
I wrote a book about how I healed.
https://read.amazon.com/sample/B002KAO6V2?f=1&l=en_US&r=ccae82f9&rid=SF058GYSXPMKHAT2R367&sid=145-6978392-8001831&cid=A12VXM1QTEKDB3&ref_=litb_m
I learned as a young mom that as long as I had one friend, I could survive each additional new baby without going mad.
My all time best friend showed up in my life after a lonely prayer pleading with the Lord to send me a friend.
For seven years Susan and I watched each others backs as we navigated newborns, husbands, mothering, and life.
She gave birth to seven children and we had five. I am not sure I would have survived emotionally without her love and support. Because we were in the same place with caring for crazy toddlers while breastfeeding new babes, so many issues did not need to be explained because we just knew.
After 25 years I rekindled a friendship with a woman who I had performed Summer Stock Theatre with.
Almost the first thing she asked me about was my breakdown. She had heard that I was picked up by the police after stripping down to my underwear in the city center of the little Ohio town where we lived.
I confirmed that happened and she incredulously said, “That was TRUE?”
This exchange is indicative of how it has gone. Friends heard rumors and I knew there was a ton of gossip and conversation about me, but few bothered to pick up the phone and ask me directly what was going on.
This only increased feelings of isolation and paranoia.
Truly the best friend of my life is Jesus Christ, who has been the rock I rebuilt my identity and life on.
My most important friend has been my husband Paul. Nobody would have blamed him if he had abandoned me, taken our baby, and run home to Utah to raise her around his family.
I shudder to think what my life would’ve been these past thirty five years if he had left.
Keep up the great work Molly.
Important topic, explored well. I lost a friend after giving birth to my first child, and it was so painful. We both underestimated how completely having a baby would change my life—not to mention my sense of self—and the logistics of hanging out were incredibly challenging. It’s really hard to understand the demands of motherhood if you haven’t been through it, which sounds patronizing but is just true.
Thanks for this, and I hope you find new friendships to fill those gaps!
Well said, Mara! I’m sorry about your friend. I absolutely agree. It does sound patronizing which is why I think there’s an added layer of complexity. I don’t want to be one of those women walking around saying “you just don’t understand!” but at the same time…it is somewhat true. 👀 It’s uncomfortable trying to make a friendship work when we’ve changed and it doesn’t work anymore. So I think it’s worth risking the discomfort of making new friends so we can feel known.
This is so good and something I wish I had understood earlier in my motherhood. Losing friends at the most life-altering time in your life can be so disorienting and painful. I love that you’re speaking out about your experiences, I know it will help so many 🩷
Thank you so much Kristen! It’s so true. Our friendships naturally change when we change. Especially those internal value shifts. But it can feel very confusing and unnatural when it happens.
That CS Lewis quote is one of my favorites.
It is such a good one. 🫶🏼