Rediscovering My Voice
Embracing life as a writer without Instagram influencers and TikTok stars
I just opened my Instagram app for the first time in weeks. I redownloaded it because I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving IG. I just left. But my last substack post was getting a lot of email replies so I thought I should pop back on Instagram to share it there too.
I saw only two posts in my brief moments back on the app and both brought up a bunch of emotions for me. They left me with fear, sadness, and a sense of loneliness. I immediately deleted the app again.
This was partly why I left social media.
My mental health has been a battle since my pregnancy. My pregnancy was colored by terrible morning sickness throughout pregnancy and my mental health was impacted. Fast forward through immense birth trauma, postpartum depression, and finally I’ve reached a light at the end of the tunnel.
But I still feel a little like I’m waking up from a bad dream. I can’t shake the feeling of it and sometimes it randomly hits me in the middle of the day and I think that was really scary.
One of my new self care moments I cherish is listening to podcasts in the shower.
My shower is perfection—shout out to my husband who took months to remodel the bathroom and tile the shower himself. The double shower heads in gold really bring me joy. Anyways, I was in the shower, listening to a podcast. I’ve been loving this podcast called “Writing Off Social” and they’re talking about being a writer without social media. (If we’re honest, most writers dream of this.)
I have so much fear about leaving social media. I’ve worked really hard to build what I have. But Instagram is full of girls asking you to comment a random word like “guide” to get some promised thing that will give you some result and I’m just confused by it. I don’t want to be on Instagram to shop. Originally, I was on Instagram to see my friend’s pictures of their dogs with a grainy filter on it. Now, I’m on it because people say to be published you have to be there.
But this podcast guest was saying that wasn’t true. Some of the stuff he was saying was really scary but brutally honest. Like if you keep hearing your platform is too small as a writer they might not be sharing the real reason with you that they’re saying no.
After listening to it, I felt like I might be making excuses to be on social media. I do like parts of it. But at the end of the day what often keeps me there is “I have to” be there in order to write books. If I took away the “have to” in order to write books, would I still enjoy it right now? I wasn’t sure.
So I deleted all my social media wrapped up in a towel with hair dripping water on the floor.
I quickly realized a few things. When my son is crying, my husband is talking, and we’re all trying to get out the door while I’m scanning around the kitchen to make sure I don’t forget anything while the dog panics because we are clearly leaving her, I often say, “Shh! I can’t hear myself think.”
That’s how being on social media feels. I cannot hear myself think. But then there’s this moment when everyone is out the door, the dog settles into her bed, and it’s quiet. Everything is still. That’s what being off social media is like.
I don’t think social media is all bad. But I know it isn’t good for me right now. That might change. Right now, I’m already having enough trouble hearing myself think. That lack of quiet isn’t coming from actual noise (well, maybe sometimes it is) but it’s usually coming from within.
There are a thousand conflicting voices within my head. I have a hard time deciding what to eat for dinner let alone make any big decisions. The voices coming from random strangers on the internet are telling me enough Free People dupes, or raw milk, or a six figure Amazon storefront will make me happy. Even when I know what I’m looking at is a blatant lie or not true for me I still find the space that voice has taken up pushes out a little bit of space for my own voice.
When I was talking to a friend about the freedom I felt in leaving social media she named it perfectly. We can be lonely for God, others, or ourselves. I had become terribly lonely for myself.
New motherhood is infamous for this. There’s always a bit of a loss of identity with a new baby to care for. For me, there was a loss of routines, freelance jobs, work friends, and time to listen to me. Before, I found space to do that even with social media involved. Right now, I’m finding it hard to balance both.
When I took social media out of the picture I realized I could actually tune into my own voice and discern it. That voice is the one that connects me with God’s voice. I can’t share my heart with God unless I know my own heart first.
I also realized the one thing I wasn’t doing—writing!—was the thing that makes me feel more “me” than almost anything else. To be fair, I never really stopped writing. My journals are full and my words find their way to pages and people even if they go unpublished. But I wasn’t putting writing first. It makes absolutely no sense for me to say I’m on social media to be a writer if I’m not actually writing. Writers write. It is that simple.
When I came across an old writer friend’s content online it affirmed my social media break even more. This person had shifted their entire brand online to fit a current social media trend. Knowing this person in real life I was shocked by the passion they proclaimed about a topic they’d never talked about before. I fear that being an artist online makes many of us imitators instead of creators.
Taking a break from socials reminded me I missed my own voice and words reminded me to guard myself from doing this. Chasing likes, follows, and engagement doesn’t lead to great art. I had begun to fall into the trap and I need a break to remind myself not to.
I’ve decided to continue my social media break so I can hear myself—my heart’s desires, disappointments, and everything in between. Because it matters to me and it matters to God. I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t take this break but I have an idea it wouldn’t be worth it.
I plan to return at some point. When I do I hope I can better differentiate my own ideas from all the noise. I don’t want to just do what is popular and well liked but I want the focus back on creating what is authentic and what honors God. When I return to social media I want to return with joy not obligation. Until then, I’ll be here waiting, listening, and rediscovering my own voice and how it connects me to God.
It makes me so sad to see the different animal instagram is now, even verses 5 years ago. I am so glad you're finding freedom here, and YAY for writing!
I’ve really been feeling the whole “I can’t hear myself think” feeling when it comes to social media. I’ve been feeling more and more of a pull to mute/unfollow a lot of those accounts that are basically online stores constantly telling me what I “need”. Definitely needed to read this! Here’s to being able to think for ourselves again.