Why it's hard to decide what we want

And what to do about it

The light spills through our big kitchen windows in a soft, golden glow and I sit with a mug of coffee—lukewarm again—with the same questions swirling around in my mind. With naptime right around the corner I wonder if I should spend that window of time writing or fold the laundry that has been mocking me from the corner of my bedroom?

Should I unload the dishwasher that is busy beeping in the background right now or should I sit with my baby on the floor and play with him while he’s still awake?

And then there are the bigger, weightier questions that are always there like the dozens of tabs I leave open on my computer for “later.” Can I chase my own personal dreams and stay present for my family? Am I missing out on an opportunity or am I right where God needs me to be?

The baby is crying, it’s time for his nap, and the currently urgent decision is made for me—I head upstairs for a routine of a diaper change, rocking, singing, and turning on a sound machine. After, the house is quiet and still, the coffee is cold, and I still haven’t made up my mind.

Why is decision making so hard? Why do I feel like I don’t even know what I want? (I hear the echo in my head of my counselor—what if you do know?)

I think of James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

He made it sound so simple. Ask God. I’ve been asking but seem to not hear the answer. How can I listen, I wonder, when the world—especially my own mind—feels so loud?

With endless choices and constant comparisons decision fatigue often sets in for me before the bigger questions even have a chance to surface.

Lately I’ve realized I’ve always defined myself a lot by what I do, not necessarily by who I am. The difference seems small but it’s massive and I’m wondering if it’s what has stopped me from being decisive too.

I’ve identified myself by my dreams, my jobs, and my relationships. I recently learned the idea that we are meant to go from identity → meaning → purpose but often in Christian culture in the West we go from purpose (like a job) → meaning (I feel important!) → identity (I am important!) The shift from defining ourselves by what we do or produce to who we are becoming is seismic.

We live in a world that often measures us by productivity but God calls us to something different: becoming people who reflect His image.

My mind often feels cluttered and tired. The big decisions don’t have enough space to be made because the little ones feel overwhelming enough—what is for dinner, do we have enough time for a walk, how do I reply to that text—and they all just stack up on top of each other until I feel like I need to shut off my brain for a while the first chance I get to.

Jesus’ words in Matthew 6:34 remind me “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” The constant undertones of trying to make decisions, and feeling like I’m bad at decision making in general, makes me wonder if I’ve adopted a habit of worry. What if God isn’t asking me to constantly problem solve, trying to fit puzzle pieces together, and wonder what if what if what if?

What if the decision is just to trust God in this moment. Maybe either direction, or any direction, could be the right one?

So much of my decision-making paralysis comes from the fear of future regret. What if I give this season of life to my dreams and look back one day to wonder where the small moments of loving my son were and why I wasn’t more present in them? What if I stay home and pour myself into a role as a homemaker and later tell stories of giving up of parts of myself that were always longing to do more?

I think of Abraham, standing with Lot in Genesis 13, letting his nephew choose the land that looked more fertile and promising. Abraham knew that God’s provision wasn’t bound to geography. So he let go of his need for control knowing God would be present in any option.

I like the way Lysa TerKeurst says this, “We must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please.” Sometimes, my desire to please others or live up to social or cultural standards stops me from being positioned firmly in God’s love. An identity of love brings a natural outpouring of purpose in our lives, with all the decisions flowing from it more easily because of the confidence of who is on the other side of any of these options.

When we’re unsure of what we want or how to move forward, maybe the best place to start is by asking the right questions:

• What are the values guiding my choices?

• Am I making this decision from a place of trust or fear?

• Have I prayed not just for clarity but for peace, trusting that God’s presence will go with me?

Emily P. Freeman encourages us all to focus on doing the next right thing. Her reminder is “The next right thing may not look big, but it is big, because it’s yours to do.”

If you feel stuck in the in-between here is my prayer for you and me: May God allow us to focus on what is in front of us today. May we clearly see which values are guiding our choices. May we trust Him with the outcomes and have the humility to be faithful without having it all figured out.

“The man or woman who is wholly and joyously surrendered to Christ can’t make a wrong choice—any choice will be the right one.” -A.W. Tozer