As an enneagram seven and self proclaimed lover of life I like a lot of things. I have always been this way. As a kid I over committed and was involved in multiple clubs, played multiple sports, and played multiple instruments. Why do one thing when you could try it all and all of it was so fun?
When I began to have to make more choices as I grew up it was difficult for me. Deciding on what to major in for college was a big deal for me—I had to commit to one thing even though I loved and was good at many. This is not a unique problem. Most people have multiple gifts and talents and eventually they sift through them and find what they want to do.
Finding your specific “calling” in the Christian world is a difficult task. Most people land with an answer that sounds something like we are called to multiple things and it can change season to season.
Common advice on determining what your purpose is in life is by following what you’re good at or doing what you like. But when you’re good at multiple things and what you like changes throughout life it can be difficult to discern what your calling is.
I finally felt like someone put words to this in Adam Young’s podcast. He talked about how starting with questions like, “what do you like?” and “what are you good at?”can be confusing instead of helpful because we like and are good at lots of things. But a question that may really take you in a direction full of curiosity and decision making is this: “what do you hate?” Adam Young put it this way,
“When we identify what we truly hate, we often uncover our deepest passions and our calling. Our hatred for certain injustices or problems can drive us to become agents of change and co-creators with God.”
I know that you’re thinking. “Hate” is a strong word. And isn’t it a bad thing? Aren't we supposed to want world peace and more love? My husband used to always correct me when I used the word “hate.” It made him uncomfortable and he would often say, “don’t you mean you dislike that? Not hate?” But “dislike” didn’t have enough passion for me in lots of instances.
Lately I find hate to be perfectly appropriate for a lot of my experiences as a new mom from the moments of my pregnancy, to the traumatic birth of my son and into postpartum.
I hate that it was uncommon for people to ask me about my mental health during my pregnancy.
I hate that I was consistently told I had to tough it out when my symptoms were unbearable.
I hate the way our society continues to not take women’s pain seriously.
I hate the way someone told me I was “too emotional” to understand what was going on when I was fighting for my son’s life in the NICU.
I hate the misguided theological statements that are made about faith, prayer, and God regarding suffering.
These are just a few things that I absolutely, definitively hate. Don’t worry, I have biblical backing for this. Psalm 97:10 says,
“Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.”
God is loving and having righteous anger towards the evil things that God hates allows us to truly be a reflection of him and his perfectly just character. To love God we have to hate evil.
The common experience of birth trauma (or really any trauma related to pregnancy, birth, or postpartum) led me to experience a lot of hate. As I was sitting with my husband passionately talking about how much I absolutely hated seeing someone experience something like I had experienced, I realized the “why” behind my hate.
It was a massive injustice. I hate seeing women feel helpless and powerless. I hate that the people who are meant to protect us and keep us safe often fail to do so. I hate that the system is broken and that even really good people sometimes say things that are not trauma informed and don't reflect the heart and goodness of God.
I hate that when some or all of these things happen that women are often left alone feeling shame without a community of Christians engaging with their pain.
I spent much of my season postpartum looking for compassion and I hate that I often couldn’t find it. A definition of compassion I like comes from Henri Nouwen:
“Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into places of pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion, and anguish. Compassion means full immersion in the condition of being human.”
As I feel like I am left to pick up the pieces of an unjust and frustrating set of circumstances, I find myself with more anger, more hate. I have been told not to view myself as a victim. (I even hate that, by the way.) But I am a victim, as many other women are too, and as much as I feel tired and defeated some days other days that hatred pulls me out of bed in the morning and pushes me to want to change the world of mothering as it currently stands.
All of this because I am really mad. The theologian John Stott wrote,
“There is a great need in our day for more 'anger,' not the rage of selfish people, but the holy anger of godly people. Such anger can indeed lead to great good, for it is rooted in a desire for justice and righteousness.”
This anger, I’ve decided to get comfortable with and let it stick around for a while. After my son’s birth I really struggled with this for a while. As many new moms do, I felt a lack of purpose. The things I used to find fun and enjoyable I just didn’t like anymore. But there was this one corner of the world that got me beyond fired up and still does. It snuck up on me again and again when I was confronted with other women’s stories and thought to myself, I really, really hate that!
A piece of that purpose puzzle was answered for me when I realized I was really starting to hate this and that meant it was time to do something about it.
In Mark 3:5 Jesus’ anger towards the Pharisees leads him to action and that action brings healing, hope, and restoration:
“He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, 'Stretch out your hand.' He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.”
Sometimes realizing what we hate and what makes us angry directs us to where God wants to move. I am really angry when I think of the lack of care and compassion I was met with in a vulnerable and difficult time.
But I haven’t stopped there. Instead, I’ve been exploring many options and taking action on what I can do to respond to this anger I have towards these injustices.
And maybe this is an odd way to start off a Monday morning but I’m going to go ahead and offer it anyway—let’s start today by asking God to make us hate the right things and angry enough to try to change them.