The Question: Here’s a follow up question…what if this person is in your church? I’ll link the scripture that talks about the body & unity. How do you distance yourself from a friendship without causing division?
Dear Reader,
Last week I shared about how to know when to end a friendship in the post below.
Now the concern becomes what if you already know it’s time to end a friendship but that person belongs to your church. First, I think it is entirely possible to be a part of a church and not be friends with everyone. If you’re part of a larger church this is pretty obvious—there’s no way you can get to know and become friends with thousands of people. But in a smaller church body this can feel pretty tricky. Especially if you are a part of a smaller community within that church body like a young adults group or a new moms group.
That is when the line might become blurred for how to distance yourself from someone who you don’t see as a friend but will continue to be a part of your life in your church body.
My general rule of thumb with ending friendships is borrowed from the well known phrase “clarity is kindness.”
One thing I love about God is how clear He is with His people. When He set up the world He set it up with boundaries—there are days and nights, and those days and nights make up a week and the week is marked by a sabbath day that begins the next week. A lot of the old testament is full of clear structure and systems because people are able to thrive when they know what the boundaries are. God knew this about us and designed the world with that in mind so I think we can take that idea and apply it to our relationships.
When you’re in a church community with someone who you don’t love spending time with create clear boundaries. One idea is to simply spend time with them at church functions. If the event is put on by the church, know that they’ll be there and show up in a God-honoring way by loving that person as a brother or sister in Christ at that event. If you’re getting coffee with a few close friends from church I don’t think you need to feel the pressure to invite someone who you don’t consider a friend.
In your question it sounds like this person is someone who you may have previously been spending a good amount of time with. Again, I think clarity is kindness. You can gauge the level of the relationship you previously had and where you want it to go in the future and prayerfully consider if a conversation should be had. Before you stop sending invites you might want to share your “why” or you might not need to. Sometimes it is helpful to provide some closure but other times it might not be well received or even necessary.
The Philippians passage you referenced says “in humility value others above yourselves.” Personally, I think you can still value someone else highly without hanging out with them. Knowing and treating everyone like they were made in God’s image doesn’t mean you have to be friends with everyone. It just means extending grace and honoring them.
If I needed to create some distance from a church friend, I’d probably gladly say hi to them and chat at church related events but get some space outside of that.
If you need to have a conversation to do that, be appropriately vulnerable and have that conversation how you would want to have it if you were on the receiving end. Hopefully that will help make it less awkward as you continually show up in the same spaces at church related events.
In the past I’ve found it helpful to share what the conversation will be about before having it so no one is caught off guard and by praying together first. The unity you’re referring to is a beautiful thing we enjoy as believers having the same Spirit—starting from that place in any conversation can be really helpful. You can stay unified and still decide it’s not the right season for a continued friendship. Actually, I think it’s a lot more kind to be honest with yourself and your friend and that kindness really does glorify God.